When the teacher tells me the kids aren't behaving on the bus, during the SIX field trips the school planned during the LAST TWO WEEKS OF SCHOOL, I hear "mommy I stuck my finger in the electric socket and it hurt." I mean. Duh.
I Really Have To Pee
I’m No Postcoital Alien Dinner
I must admit, I was a little surprised, when the lady who does my botox told me that vagina lasering is their most popular treatment. I mean, for me, a person who has to make difficult household budgeting decisions, the question of beautifying my face or vagina is not a tough one to answer. But, hey, I'm not saying "hi" to new friends with my vagina. My face does all the heavy lifting in my social interactions.
TFMF (Total F*ing Mom Fail)
Mwahahah. I emailed my friend, the one with the starving children. 1) If you feel like you are failing, because your kids are nice, chin up, I sent my kid to school with dog biscuits for lunch. 2) If you want to stop the marauders from taking your kids food send them to school with dog cookies disguised as human cookies one day. 3) Your girls are nice, kind and empathetic, you aren't failing.
How (Not) To Be Charismatic
I had an epiphany. Charismatic people ultimately want other people to like them. Charismatic people, in theory, will have have better paying jobs and more friends. I am, lets face it, not going back to the job market in any traditional sense. I mean, I write because I can do it alone, on a sofa, in slippers, whilst eating Skinnypop.
A Day In The Life of a Catastrophist
Paid in full sounds like orgasm if you say it fast
